Why is this man smiling?

April 21, 2009
Lone surviving Somali Pirate entering the U.S. to face charges

Lone surviving Somali Pirate entering the U.S. to face charges

Theory #1:  Prison beats seasickness.  To a Somali teenager, forced (?) by warlords onto the high seas with a rusty AK-47 to take prisoners, the thought of spending the rest of his life in a U.S. jail cell is not so bad.  The prison yard has nothing on the streets of Mogahishu.

Theory #2:  Prison beats death.  At the moment the photograph was taken, he was recalling his good fortune in seeking medical attention right before his comrades got their heads blown off by Navy Seals.  Timing is everything.
Theory #3:  The “This is my one chance on the red carpet” Theory .  While not marauding, Mr. Pirate has watched hours of youtube video of celebrities confronted by a phalanx of cameras.  Mr. Pirate did what he sees everyone else do:  smile and wave.  Well, it’s hard to wave while handcuffed to a federal officer, but you get the point. 
BTW:  Mr. Pirate has apparently asked to be Bernie Madoff’s roommate, citing their mutual professional interests.

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Posted by Mark Wegener

Thoughts on Re-establishing the Republic of Texas

April 16, 2009

texas-flag1So Governor Rick Perry wants to secede from the United States.   Aside from the political lunacy that it represents, I think it’s an idea worth exploring–for the rest of us.

Think about what we would gain if Texas were a foreign country? 

  • We could put Cuba-like travel restrictions on them, keeping all those people that really think that Texas is the best place on earth away from those of us that know differently (the best place on Earth is the third row of the left field bleachers in the power alley at Wrigley in July–when dreams of what might be still exist and the reality of the home team crapping out in the playoffs is a distant cold slap in the face).
  • Selling them the ships and airplanes they’ll need to have their own navy and air force will be fun, too.  If Governor Perry thinks that we’ll sell those assets to him at cost, he’s got another thing coming.
  • We’d have no more worries about shelling out relief aid when (not if) hurricanes hit the 370 miles of Texas coastline
  • We’d sell more things to Texas than they’d buy from us, reducing our trade deficit
  • With a straight face, we could offer “Texan” to our kids as part of their foreign language training
  • We could finally be rid of NASA and the budget drain that comes with it
  • Since President Bush would reside in the RoT, his travels to the US might subject him to war crimes arrest–just as they will if he ever sets foot outside of the currently-constituted United States.

I’m sure there are more reasons for us to jump at this chance to boot them out.  Truth be told, I’m actually more fond of a deal that I’ve been pondering for quite a while.  It started as a plot to sell Michigan to Canada, but has morphed into a swap with Canada:  they get Michigan (and all the hair that comes with that) and in lieu of a cash payment we’d throw in Alaska.  Seems fair.  Although this would mean losing Governor Granholm, we’d also benefit from not having to hear any more about Governor Palin.

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Posted by Mark Wegener

The Performance Paradox or Why It Probably Pays to Suck at Your Job

April 6, 2009

Hypothesis: The least capable are at the greatest advantage. The above average performers are at the greatest disadvantage.

When companies start to lay-off people, a curious phenomenon occurs. After 25 years of observation it is increasingly clear that those laid off first seem to end up thriving, while those further up the performance ladder end up faring the worst. Follow me:

Proof: As companies become concerned about their futures and layoffs begin the first round of layoffs typically claims the bottom 10-15% of performers; the low-hanging fruit. This typically occurs when employment markets are relatively fluid and times are not yet tough. These employees generally find something to do in their chosen fields.

The next round comes as the outlook dims and companies reduce the size of businesses that are less profitable than desired or unprofitable. Employees cut during this phase are the middling performers within those businesses.

If the profitability trend continues to be down, the subsequent round is either further cuts or the the complete elimination of business usits, taking with it the remaining employees in that area–people that were above average performers. But by this time, the employment markets have seized up and these once well-regarded employees are now on the outside looking in as those fired first have claimed jobs and companies pull up their drawbridges to outside hiring. It is only once the growth prospects of the business appear promising that the thought of “up-grading our talent” occurs to the employer.

Moral: In an environment where the pay-for-performance scale is relatively flat to modestly upward sloping (i.e., not commission sales), it is better to be a below average performer and be laid off first than to be an above average performer and be laid off last. Even though the below average employee has not maximized his earnings in the short run, the opportunity to continue to get paid is greater over the long term than for the employee who may make more money in the short run but faces higher prospects of a longer term layoff.

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Posted by Mark Wegener

Least Helpful Comments Heard While Job Seeking

April 6, 2009

    • You were the best qualified candidate, but we’re going to move someone internal into the spot.
    • Him: Have you considered asking [your former employer] if they’d hire you back? [Me: Now why didn’t I think of that!]
    • Do you really need to work? Why don’t you just take your bankroll and become an investor?
    • Me: I’m here for my meeting with (Jim). Her: Oh, he left the country yesterday. Did he not call you? [Me: If he’d have called me, do you think I’d be standing here right now?!]
    • Him: You should call (New York billionaire private equity investor) Chris Flowers. I’m sure he knows lots of people that might be helpful to you. [Me: I’m sure he does.  Why don’t I just call Geithner right away, too. That might save time.]
    • Him: You’ve done a lot of great things. You wouldn’t be interested or challenged by what we do here. [Me: TRY ME! You’d be surprised the low level of things I’d find interesting or challenging.]
    • Him: I called HR. We’re not hiring right now. [Me: Does that mean you won’t introduce me to the people that will eventually need people, you doofus?]
    • Guys like you are a dime a dozen these days.

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Posted by Mark Wegener

It just wasn’t meant to be. (originally posted 22-Jan-09)

April 6, 2009

I became a season ticket holder about 7 years ago, principally for one reason: to see my alma mater play without needing to scramble for tickets and sit in the rafters. For the first couple of years, it worked. There were the Saturday or Sunday games that were no problem to get to and even the week night games that I could reliably make.

Then something changed. Well, my job responsibilities changed. For the last three years, without fail, something would come up either the night before or the day of the game that would make getting there problematic or impossible. Begrudgingly, I accepted it as part of the job.

Last year, with not much happening at work, I thought I had a clear field. That is until my wife reminded me that her charity gala would be that certain Saturday night in February. Ugh. With no way out, I went to half the game, then left (with the score tied at the half) to attend the gala. I watched my blackberry for the balance of the night (a victory for our side by 3). Marital peace was achieved at the cost of seeing an exciting game.

Having lost my job in December, I felt confident that this year, of all years, I’d have an unobstructed shot at seeing an entire game next Wednesday. (The fact that my team is cover-your-eyes awful doesn’t deter me.) No galas or kid events on the horizon. I was cleared for landing.

So I’ve been talking to a company about a position I’d like. There’s been talk of getting together for further discussions in person. I got an email tonight. They want me to come to New York for the much-anticipated discussions. Next Wednesday.

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