The Return of the Travelogue

May 12, 2010

Travel is fun. Really it is.

May 5, 2010. The trip to Minneapolis was an event-filled one. A couple “never before” things and a one “all too often” occurrence.

I was disappointed that the Corner Bakery in the G concourse was replaced by some generic place. I missed my chance at a cinnamon crumb muffin. We boarded our American Eagle regional jet on time for our 7:20 departure. As I entered the aircraft I was met by a friendly flight attendant who offered hang my suit jacket. I had already emptied my pockets in preparation to stuff it into the overhead bin (I’d actually worn an older suit specifically for that reason), so I gladly accepted her offer and settled into my 1D seat.

As the rest of the plane boarded, I stuck my nose into the newspaper but eventually noticed that the attendant was making the same offer to many, many travelers. The trip was a little longer than expected as we fought a fierce headwind, but was otherwise normal until we started to taxi to the gate. At that point the flight attendant announced to no one in particular, “I have 25 coats on only 5 hangers. How am I going to keep this straight?”

It’s dark and I get handed a coat that looks right, put it on and it fits and I walk off. Of course, it’s the wrong coat, but I don’t realize that until we get to the client and see it in the bright light of day. It was a nice jacket—much better than the dumpy old, worn suit jacket I started with.

After a few phone calls, I find out that American has my coat and we arrange an exchange. It all works out, but it was exciting for a few minutes. I consider it a minor miracle on many levels. It’s interesting that none of it would have happened if a) I’d have followed my normal instinct and just thrown it in the overhead bin, b) it wouldn’t have fit me like a glove, c) the coat’s owner would have left something, anything in the pockets, because I checked and had completely emptied my own prior to giving it up.

While waiting for our outbound flight that same afternoon, I visit the men’s room*, where I encounter a guy on his cell phone while at the urinal. He’s not using a Bluetooth like most tinkling talkers do. No, he’s got it pinned between his cheek and his shoulder. As he finishes his business and goes to zip up, the shoulder leaves the cheek and down goes the phone, directly into the urinal. Bulls eye. He even yelled at the phone as it was falling into the flushing bowl! I didn’t hang around to see if or how he was going to fish it out of there. That would have been amusing, I’m sure.

I’m not at the top of the airline food chain, but I’m pretty high up. As a result a few people can board before me, but not many. I’ve got a nice seat today, 15F—exit row window. As I walk down the aisle, I see that there are two people sitting in 15E. Sorry, it’s one person that was as big as two people should be. It was not clear to me that his rump was actually hitting the seat, because he was so securely wedged between the armrests. This, of course, left me to be pinned between the “men” sitting in 15E and the airframe. I’m not small, but I feel like I can make myself small. This was a space in which an 8-yr old could not have fit comfortably.

And the joys of traveling are revealed once again.

* UPDATE:  No, this was not the Senator Larry Craig Memorial “Toe-tapping” Men’s Room.  That’s on the main concourse.  My visit was to one with the E gates.


Banking is not a simple business

April 28, 2010

We're trying to handle the truth, but it doesn't conform to our desire for a simple answer

An admittedly overly simple example. I’m sure that my trading desk friends and others that read this with greater knowledge than I on this topic will laugh at my “crayon-like” simplicity.

There’s obviously lots of attention, anger and frustration being directed at Goldman Sachs, who had their senior mortgage staff and CEO testify before Congress yesterday. There was frustration on all sides, since the lawmakers don’t understand the business and the attempts by Goldman to try to explain it struck many as evasive. The example I’ve concocted below does not speak directly to the conflicts Goldman had in selling “shitty” CDO bonds to investors because they had a bigger fish on the other end of the trade who wanted to short the deal. My purpose in providing this elementary example is to show that this is all not as simple as people would like.

Let’s look at a major bank. They have one of the largest originators of loans in their Home Finance unit. This unit reports up through their Retail division. They don’t sell of all of their loans (i.e., they don’t securitize them or sell them all to the GSEs—you can see them on their balance sheet), so they are naturally “long” housing risk. They’re making loans and retaining the risk.

The Investment Banking division includes the loan trading and derivatives trading desks. It’s here that bonds, swaps, foreign exchange, loans and other securities are sold to clients. The Desk buys and sells these instruments based on client demand. The Desk is constantly buying and selling assets—positioning them—so that they have access to the assets that their clients want to buy and sell.  In addition, the Desk is responsible for selling those assets that are underwritten by the Firm. For purposes of our example, let’s say that some of those underwritten assets are bonds backed by home mortgages.

Management, housed in the “Corporate” segment, looks at the risks in the portfolio and has a choice: a) they can either sell the loans outright and forego the interest income on the ones that are going to pay in full, b) they can wait for those that are going to go bad to default and charge them off dollar-for-dollar or c) they can buy insurance on the portion of the portfolio that they think might go bad. This insurance doesn’t cost them 100 cents on the loan dollar (in the same way your car insurance premium is less than the cost of your car). They get many benefits from choice (c): loss protection at a fraction of the cost (it reduces the earnings drag on the firm as a whole with respect to charge-offs; it’s providing the funds used for reserves instead of having them come out of other earnings) and increases the stability of earnings to name just two. This process protects their shareholders.

What form does this insurance take? It can come from shorting the ABX index. This index is in layman’s terms the mortgage-backed securities equivalent of the S&P 500. They sell the ABX to someone who, for their own portfolio reasons, wants exposure to the US housing market but can’t buy individual loans and wants the diversity of an index as opposed to a single MBS issue. Foreign banks, insurance companies, pension funds, etc. might represent some typical buyers.

Home Finance is long housing. One part of the Desk is selling mortgage-backed bonds to clients, while another part is executing short trades on behalf of the Corporate segment. But if you look solely at the Desk as the Senate Permanent Subcommittee on Investigations did yesterday, you see a firm that is “selling bonds to clients while betting against the very same bonds”.

My question is: What should they do? Only be long housing and selling bonds? If that’s the case, they will reach the point where they don’t want any more housing risk and will stop making mortgage loans. This will raise the “why can’t I get a mortgage?” complaint from consumers. We don’t want that.  If they don’t manage their portfolioexposure in some way–by shorting or in the vernacular, “flattening the book”–they’re exposing their shareholders (and it need be said, the FDIC and ultimately the taxpayers) to more risk than they want to take. This increased risk is almost the opposite of the moral hazard.

What Goldman and the other Wall Street firms do is much more intricate and complicated than this example and much more complicated that they can explain when confronted with loaded questions, but looking only at one part of the picture is both unfair and disingenuous. But then again, no one said that the purpose of these investigations was to get to what’s fair or ingenuous. None of this excuses what the SEC alleges Goldman did wrong in the Abacus trades. That part of the story—the “who should have told whom about who else was involved in the deal” stuff, will all be aired in court. I’m not capable of judging whether Goldman violated the law or ethical treatment of their multiple clients.

The point of all this is that these firms are all engaged in multiple activities across their different platforms, and looking at only one part of a firm’s business can lead to drawing the wrong conclusions and bad legislation to try to “fix” the problem.  It is likely that any legislation that comes out of this will likely activate my favorite law, the Law of Unintended Consequences.

To those who say that there was no incremental economic activity associated with the synthetic trades at the heart of the Goldman deals, I ask, “How is that different from the secondary trading on the stock exchange?” The companies that have issued the stock already have the money, it’s just a transfer of wealth from one party to another; one that thinks that the value will go down and one that thinks that the value will go up. The firms that make markets in equities—that trade them off of their own book to facilitate client transactions aren’t telling their client that “someone else thinks the value of the stock you’re buying is going to go down—that’s why they’re selling it while you buy it.” No one seems to complain about that.

I fear that people take advantage of the fact that these activities happen beyond their normal sight. They’d rather not consider on a regular basis with the messy details of what makes markets work, of who gets and who is denied credit and for what reason. They reap the benefits of a vibrant capital market (and yes, on balance we’ve reaped much greater benefit from these markets and these activities than the events of the last two years have cost us) but once these practices are out in the open people are shocked (shocked!) and dismayed that such things happen.* The Wall Street Journal on Monday provided an email of unknown authorship that mashed up Colonel Jessup’s famous “You want me on that wall,” testimony from “A Few Good Men” in with the concept of the allocation of capital that the banking industry provides. I won’t dwell on it here, because it’s an overdrawn example (pardon the pun). But this letter to the New York Times printed today is worth reading and considering. In essence, the author says that had there been more John Paulsons out there, more people who wanted to “sell” and not “buy” exposure to the US housing market, the end would have come sooner and the damage less dramatic.

I understand that people want a scapegoat. They want a villain. I hold no quarter for Goldman Sachs. But none of this is as simple to explain as people might like and all of it is critical to the future success of our economy. Getting this wrong will have long-lasting effects and we may pay a price for it in terms of economic growth for years to come. It may be a price worth paying, but I think that we’d be better off knowing that price ahead of time.

*  When you hear an entrepreneur lament that he can’t get a loan to start his business, ask them how much equity he’s putting into the venture versus how much he’s trying to borrow. Banks have never been good at venture capital—they’re good at lending to businesses with track records of performance. People that are trying to borrow money to start businesses are looking in the wrong place. They want to use the bank because the bank is cheaper than going to a venture capitalist who will likely demand a higher coupon and an equity interest in the deal, which the entrepreneur is loath to surrender. The fact that during the bubble banks made these loans is as much a testimony to the lack of lending standards that existed as all those poorly conceived mortgages. It’s not that “banks aren’t lending”. It’s that banks are trying to return to the underwriting standards that kept them safe  for so long without a giant spasm of failures. We shouldn’t want banks to do the same deals they did over 3 of the last 4 years. We should want something better. There’s money out there to be had, but it’s more expensive than it used to be.


    The Forty-Seven Percent Solution

    April 14, 2010

    If it's a small bag, keep it.

    David Leonhardt does a nice job today in the NYTimes writing about the recent dust-up over the mid-2009 study that claims that 47% of Americans owe no federal income taxes.

    All the attention being showered on “47 percent” is ultimately a distraction from that reality.

    The 47 percent number is not wrong. The stimulus programs of the last two years — the first one signed by President George W. Bush, the second and larger one by President Obama — have increased the number of households that receive enough of a tax credit to wipe out their federal income tax liability.

    But the modifiers here — federal and income — are important. Income taxes aren’t the only kind of federal taxes that people pay. There are also payroll taxes and capital gains taxes, among others. And, of course, people pay state and local taxes, too.

    Focusing on the statistical middle class — the middle 20 percent of households, as ranked by income — underlines this point. Households in this group made $35,400 to $52,100 in 2006, the last year for which the Congressional Budget Office has released data. That would describe a household with one full-time worker earning about $17 to $25 an hour. Such hourly pay is typical for firefighters, preschool teachers, computer support specialists, farmers, members of the clergy, mail carriers, secretaries and truck drivers, according to the Bureau of Labor Statistics.

    Taking into account both taxes and tax credits, the average household in this group paid a total income tax rate of just 3 percent. A good number of people, in fact, paid no net income taxes. They are among the alleged free riders.

    But the picture starts to change when you look not just at income taxes but at all taxes. This average household would have paid 0.8 percent of its income in corporate taxes (through the stocks it owned), 0.9 percent in gas and other federal excise taxes, and 9.5 percent in payroll taxes. Add these up, and the family’s total federal tax rate was 14.2 percent.

    To those people who still find it offensive, I suggest they do two things:  1) Contemplate raising their family on $50,000 in gross income, and 2) Contemplate raising their family on $50,000 in gross income then paying $10,000 of it away in taxes.  Doesn’t leave much.  The system is (supposed to be) designed where those with the ability to pay, pay.

    Exxon Mobil paid no US federal income taxes last year and few seem disturbed by that. I am not, but then again, this 47% number doesn’t bother me, either.


    Honor Arnold Palmer Now

    April 5, 2010

    Long Live The King

    As the NBA has a silhouette of Jerry West as its logo (West’s nickname has become “the Logo”), I think that it’s well past time for the PGA Tour to change its current, nondescript logo in favor of a silhouette of Arnold Palmer, in the full slashing motion of his dominant days of the early 1960s.

    Boring!

    The King is the Alan Shepard to Tiger Woods’s Neil Armstrong.  Without Arnold, Tiger’s success wouldn’t be possible.   Palmer, nearly age 83, deserves a permanent tribute now, while he is still around to appreciate it.  It’s the least they should do.


    What I read

    March 28, 2010

    Probably Enough to Keep Me Busy

    My name is Mark and I am an addict.  My drug of choice is information, particularly on current events.

    I started really reading in junior high, but it got out of hand in high school.  At first it was two newspapers a day (Chicago Tribune and the Arlington Herald).  Sports first, then the other stuff.  My reading an article about a rape trial got me “the talk” from my dad. I was in Student Congress in high school and there wasn’t a current topic that was off-limits, so preparing meant covering a wide landscape.  The guy behind the periodical desk at the library came to dislike me.  That experience introduced me to the New York Times, Washington Post and Wall Street Journal, as well as a broader range of general and not so general interest magazines.  Foreign Policy, anyone?  It was a gateway drug.

    I went into remission in college, then resumed consuming thereafter.  It’s now really out of hand with both internet’s accessibility and my not having a job.  But even when I worked, I still always had about 40 pages of articles I’d reformatted into two-column, 10-point font to carry with me.  Walking to a meeting, waiting for a lunch partner, lunching by myself, on the train, and in other places appropriate or not, my appetite for news could be described as insatiable.  In the last couple years, I’ve fallen in love with podcasting, so now I’ve got news in through my ears and eyes, often at the same time.  If you see me with my headphones, chances are good that I’m tuned into Fresh Air or something similar, rather than Green Day.

    I don’t watch much TV; mostly sports and a few entertainment shows (Modern Family tops the list, Wednesdays at 9/8CT).  I only occasionally watch cable news, and that’s only because I like the way certain people write their material, not because it adds much to my knowledge or understanding of a topic.  Cable TV does all of us a disservice by conflating the ideas of “governing” and “politics” and treating both in the same way CNBC treats the stock market or ESPN treats the baseball season.  It’s not a game.  Policy-making, like history, happens over a long arc of time and does not change eight times within 24 hours. I couldn’t help but notice how the so-called conventional wisdom on President Obama turned 180 degrees in the moments following signing the health care bill (and publication of David Frum’s “Waterloo” analysis). One moment, he’s a political blunderer, the next a genius.  It was never either one and there wasn’t a switch magically flipped on Sunday.  While there are addition points made in this this NY Review of Books piece, it encapsulates my feelings on the topic pretty well.

    I used to have a business relationship with CNN and conversations with their executives taught me much about how they think and their need to “feed the monster”.  Essentially, their argument was:  We’re on for 24 hours and have to have something to talk about, so we take small things, small differences, highlight them and if we’re lucky, we’ll get a run of a couple days out of a story.  If that happens, it’s that many fewer other little stories that we’ll have to report. It was akin to taking crap and throwing it against the wall to see what would stick, then talking about it until it fell off the wall.  It works great at first (e.g., the first Gulf War), but with the proliferation of channels, the hosts of these shows have to continually come up with unique things to be outraged about, lest they lose their gigs (think Beck and Olbermann; Hannity and Ed).  If there’s nothing to be outraged about, what’s the point of having them on the air?  So outraged they are.  And we lose the concept of rational discourse in the process.

    But I digress.

    So, I read.  Don’t tell my business colleagues, but reading about business bores me.

    I occasionally get asked what I read.  Unlike someone who came to national prominence in the last couple years and was unprepared for that question, I have an answer.  It’s a long one.  I’m exhausted looking at it.  You’ll note that it doesn’t include Time, Newsweek or any of the other “general interest” magazines.  My sense has been that if they’re only going to publish weekly, their analysis had better be excellent because it comes so late; I find their websites generally uninteresting, too (too much celebrity coverage).  The last time I checked, I didn’t think it warranted the effort.

    It’s a habit I can’t kick.  I read the occasional book, but while doing that, I’m thinking of the other current things I could be reading about, so it sort of sucks the pleasure out of it.  The only exception is when I get my hands on a good history book, since I can put myself in the historical context and read it as if it was a current event.  It’s more confusing to explain than to do.

    So here’s the list.

    Physical media:

    Online – consistently (I pay for access to the WSJ.  I would pay for content at other providers, too.  The notion that this stuff all has to be free is flawed as far as I’m concerned):

    Online – occasional

    Podcasts:

    • PTI
    • C-SPAN After Words (from Book TV)
    • Fresh Air
    • NPR’s It’s All Politics
    • NPR’s Planet Money
    • PBS NewsHour
    • Slate’s Culture Gabfest
    • Slate’s Hang Up and Listen
    • Slate’s Political Gabfest
    • Countdown
    • This American Life
    • On The Media
    • Today in the Past

    No Politico, Talking Points Memo or Daily Beast.

    If I’m missing something, let me know.  There’s always room on the browser and in the stack of papers for another view.


    What Hath God Wrought?

    March 28, 2010

    There’s a prominent international company whose employees have been engaged in criminal activity for many years. Management knows it, and the only action that they’ve taken has been to try to cover it up. Every once in a while there’s evidence brought forth of the extent of the criminal activity, but invariably, the perpetrator has gotten away and management just shrugs. The CEO knows, too. But he’s silent and because he resides in a foreign land, he seems to be immune from questioning about his knowledge or involvement when he was a manager.

    Is it Siemens? Bear Stearns? Lehman? ADM? No. It is, of course, the Catholic Church.

    I was sitting in church today reflecting on the horror or the latest story. The abuse of deaf boys in Milwaukee at the hands of a priest who, once he was found out, requested and received permission to be transferred and subsequently buried in his sacramental garments with a clean public record, despite the fact that his management chain knew of his actions—and didn’t turn him into authorities. The actions of the priest are unconscionable and the actions of his superiors in not dealing with this as a criminal manner are equally abhorrent and criminal.

    This has looked like a criminal conspiracy to obstruct justice for quite a while. If this enterprise were a corporation, surely criminal prosecutions of managers would be contemplated. The public would be screaming for someone to go to jail. It must be stopped. I should think that authorities (in the U.S.) should have probable cause to subpoena the files of every archdiocese in which a priest was transferred out to see what the church knew and what it did or didn’t do about it. Why have they not already done so? Is this excessive deference to the role of the Church? To my non-legal eyes, it sure looks that way.

    Now we hear that the current Pope knew of and enabled a transfer for priest(s?) involved in similar activities in Germany, who refuses to speak to the allegations. The pooh-poohing of the notion of wrong-doing only serves to increase the cynicism and doubt and decrease the faith.

    It is a tragedy of epic proportions. For the faithful whose faith in these authority figures and this institution has been repeatedly betrayed. For the vast majority of the brotherhood of priests who are innocent of any wrongdoing and who have kept their vows, who are being stained with the shrapnel of these cases. And for society who needs no additional reasons to doubt the value of the message of God.

    It is not uncommon for people of faith to question God’s mercy when faced with some horrible event. What kind of a God let’s this happen? What kind of a God gives a child an untreatable disease? What kind of a God let’s people ostensibly here to serve him and help his people gain faith abuse children? It’s heartbreaking to watch people who have been faithful to God their whole lives have such questions. The people that perpetrated these crimes are impostors. They are not men of God. The people that enabled them to commit these crimes are equally culpable.

    The air needs to be cleared. This cover-up has to be stopped.


    Tiger’s Text Record and the Shadow It Casts

    March 19, 2010

    She kept a transcript. She's got a website. A bad combo.

    Today’s NYPost offers a piece on the posting by Joslyn James to her website of text messages allegedly from Tiger Woods.  If true, this is the gift that keeps on giving for comedy writers and the nightmare that won’t end for Elin (and maybe even Tiger).

    On the theory that this story is accurate:

    I wonder if someone should remind Tiger that the 12th hole at Augusta National is called “Golden Bell” and not “golden shower”.

    I wonder if Tiger can even spell “misogyny”.

    I’m no doctor, but wow.  Just wow, does this guy ever have problems.  Personal and professional problems.

    With this stuff coming out (and who knows how much more of it there is from other sources), I think that success on the golf course might not be enough to rehab his reputation.

    America loves a good second act, but when the lead character digs himself a whole this deep, it’s hard for me to imagine complete rehabilitation.  I keep thinking about the way Barry Bonds got treated at the end of his career–people believed he had taken steroids and cheated, and everything he did was tainted by that fact.   People hated the guy for what he stood for.  I know the Bonds case is different from this because of the performance enhancement element, but I can see golf fans and sponsors never getting over this.  Who (other than Tiger) knows hows how much more of this stuff is out there?  Will it continue to trickle out?  If you’re a potential sponsor, are you willing to take the chance that, knowing that what’s already out there is pretty “family unfriendly”, the unknown might actually be worse.  Although it’s hard for me to imagine stuff that could actually be worse than this.  I don’t get out much.

    It is possible that having this come out now will desensitize people to what, if anything, that follows and that the shock factor, while high now, will drop over time. We’ve seen this in action before with political sex scandals. While President Clinton’s escapades shocked, does what we’ve heard about Sanford or Edwards really shock?  The sex part I mean, not the stupid part–the lies about going hiking or whatever it was that Edwards was doing.  I don’t think so.  We’re desensitized to many things that were once taboo–swearing on television being probably the best example.

    But this feels different to me.  I don’t think that we’re desensitized to this kind of language, or this kind of imagery.


    The looming (and necessary) tax increase

    March 15, 2010

    From today’s NYTimes comes another in their series of articles on water.  Today’s piece discusses the crumbling infrastructure in Washington, D.C.  The destruction of this system and others like it all over the country is the legacy of our misspent prosperity and our legislators’ inability to tackle even the (seemingly) simplest of problems that face us.

    Today, a significant water line bursts on average every two minutes somewhere in the country, according to a New York Times analysis of Environmental Protection Agency data. In Washington alone there is a pipe break every day, on average, and this weekend’s intense rains overwhelmed the city’s system, causing untreated sewage to flow into the Potomac and Anacostia Rivers.

    State and federal studies indicate that thousands of water and sewer systems may be too old to function properly.

    For decades, these systems — some built around the time of the Civil War — have been ignored by politicians and residents accustomed to paying almost nothing for water delivery and sewage removal. And so each year, hundreds of thousands of ruptures damage streets and homes and cause dangerous pollutants to seep into drinking water supplies.

    This is what we will leave our children: a broken-down system incapable of delivering the water we need to survive because no one wants to pay for it.  The unrealistic expectations of the masses with respect to their desire for low tax bills are sure to turn into outrage (or worse) when the taps run dry.   It’s our own fault.


    Limericks for St. Patrick

    March 14, 2010

    A couple years ago, we were invited to a party in which the ticket for entry was a limerick. It’s the lowest form of poetry, which is why it’s always appealed to me. I was trapped on the tarmac at LGA the afternoon of the party and just started working one out. It was in the middle of the Eliot Spitzer / Call girl scandal, so he was the easiest target. Those original three limericks are sadly lost to history. I remember a few of the lines. I rhymed Spitzer with “schvitz her”. Once I figured out that the woman involved had a handy nine syllable name, Ashley Alexandra Dupree, I was off to the races, too.

    I wrote a few last year, too, which I think are already posted. If not, I’ll get them up, but I set the bar impossibly high with the Spitzer work.

    Here are the two I wrote this year:

    Tiger liked to play more than one hole
    Moms and kids see him a “model” role
    He won’t ride in carts
    But he’ll sext with some tarts
    His sex rehab won’t save his soul

    Elin Woods is a cute mom of two
    Now knows of his penchant to screw
    Pix not safe for work
    He’s proved quite a jerk
    He’d do many an ugly girl, too.


    Local Reality Shows

    March 11, 2010

    The stories are true. The names have been eliminated to protect from the humor.

    My favorite reality show really isn’t a show, it’s the local zoning board hearings broadcast on cable access.  Neighbor vs. neighbor.  Tears.  Accusations.  Lawyers. Architects explaining their “vision for the space”.  Politicians, some bright and thoughtful, others less so.  It’s got it all.  While the show has been much less interesting since the real estate bubble blew up like Able over Bikini Atoll, it’s still worth watching.

    My other “slice of local life” of course is the police blotter in the weekly local paper.  The hardships and difficulties of the people in these pages are real and in some cases very serious.  Sometimes they involve kids with drugs, others adults being pulled over at odd hours.  What amuses me are the sagas associated with some of the other, less serious items.  Perhaps it’s in the way they’re written by the news staff, or maybe it’s the way they appear in the police reporting.  We’ll never know, but week after week, there’s always something that grabs my attention and makes me wonder (and laugh).

    Someone broke into a home some time between 4:03 p.m. and 9:36 p.m. March 6 on the XXXX block of [Flower] Lane and stole a bag of jewelry. It contained a $5,000 diamond watch, a $2,600 engagement ring, a pair of $2,000 diamond earrings and other items the owner could not recall. Two women’s purses and $100 in cash also were reported stolen.

    A “bag of jewelry”?  I’ve heard of jewelry boxes, safes, hallowed out books and other things in which jewelry is kept, but a bag?  That’s awesome. Was it just lying there on the kitchen table?  Was it labeled “Jewelry” like it always was in episodes of Batman? And what’s with the precision on the estimated time of the break-in?  4:03pm and not 4:02 or 4:06?  Isn’t it an estimated time anyway? Is this victim wearing a tracking bracelet on his ankle that lets authorities now his precise whereabouts at any time?  If the cops find a suspect, can he say “I was there at 3:58pm, but not 4:03”?  I’m also sure that the insurance company will be happy to pay the claim on the “other items the owner could not recall”, too.

    A [local] woman reported her diamond ring, which she purchased in 2004, was a fake. She told police she paid $15,623 for the 2.65 carat diamond ring from [Joe’s Jewelry Shop] at ##### [Main] Ave. She recently had it reappraised and was told the diamond was a fake. She also said she’s had the ring cleaned by several different jewelry stores in the past, but did not believe anyone tampered with it.  The owner of the original jewelry store has since sold the business and retired.

    He thanks you for your patronage and sends his regards from a country without an extradition treaty with the U.S.  Reporting this to the police creates at least two problems and doesn’t solve the original one:  The only people I know that get jewelry reappraised are the ones that are trying to sell it.  That’s out of the question now, although I’m sure there’s a pawn shop someplace nearby that might look at it–but they might think it’s stolen.  Worse (?), all her friends now know it’s a fake so wearing it becomes problematic.  “Oh is that the fake ring?  I would have never known if you hadn’t told the police.”  “Oh, poor ******.  Bless her heart.  Doesn’t she have a real diamond ring to replace that fake one?”  She can’t even “lose” the ring now and try to (fraudulently) claim on the insurance!  I hope she remembers to cancel the policy on the ring.

    A resident on the XXXX block of [Michigan] Avenue reported that he found footprints leading to and from the front door and side windows on both the east and west side of the home.

    “…to and from the front door”?  No one EVER walks up to the front door.  Would it have been better had the footprints only led TO the door?  Does the mailman have an alibi?

    Great stuff.

    (I’m not sure why I felt compelled to hide or disguise some of the information in the publicly available blotter.  It just felt like the right thing to do.)