Misunderstanding Headlines

Hey Felix, CIGNA and MetLife are on line two.

I was just scanning the headlines on The Huffington Post this morning and saw a couple things that made me sure that I’m not in sync with either the headline writers or the story authors today.  Maybe it’s because I was sick all week, only slept through the night for the first time last night (and in the process apparently set some sort of sonic record for snoring according to close observers) and have been ingesting some of Big Pharma’s best stuff both prescription and OTC.  The combination may have addled my brain.

The piece headlined “Man Sucked into  Sausage Machine” was not as I suspected about the victory of Mark Critz over Tim Burns in the special election in Pennsylvania’s 12th Congressional District to replace the dead but still ear-marking John Murtha.

The story “Famed Bullfighter Gored through Throat” was sadly not written about the underdog bull’s dramatic come-from-behind victory over Julio Aparicio as I would have hoped.  When a man takes on “half a ton of angry pot roast”, sometimes he gets the outcome he deserves.  As a life-long Cub fan, I’ve always appreciated fruitless searches and that makes me cheer for the bulls, in Pamplona and in bull rings everywhere.  The subheadline tells the typical tale, “Famed Surgeon Saves Life, Bull Not So Lucky”.  Sigh.  It was ever thus.  Sometimes you only get one clean shot and you gotta take it, regardless of the consequences.

As far as the story “Skydiver Preparing for 120,000-foot Supersonic Fall” goes, you don’t need to even read the piece to feel the looming disaster ahead for this clown.  His undertaker is already likely carving my favorite line, “It was a good idea at the time” into something small and granite.  I’m pretty sure that this would be a proper time for his life and health insurance companies to cancel his coverage. This stunt, and there’s no other word for it because it surely isn’t science, falls into the category of “Because We (Think We) Can”.  A reading of history will show that God and the forces of nature have this habit of smacking down such hubris on a regular basis.

That said, I think this is a candidate for Best Headline Foreshadowing Disaster ever, along with:

  • Hindenburg Departs for New Jersey
  • Titanic sets Sail, Captain Scoffs at Iceberg Threat
  • Nazis Invades Russia
  • Space Shuttle Challenger Launches Today as Space Travel Becomes “Routine”
  • Stock Pros Assure: “It’s Different This Time”, and…wait for it
  • George W. Bush Takes Oath

P.S.  There’s not enough medicine in the world or lack of sleep that will cause me to misunderstand the headline, “Jennifer Aniston’s Undressed Moments, Which Is Your Favorite?

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