An open letter to Gov. Mark Sanford (R-Idiot)

NEWS ITEM:  COLUMBIA, S.C. South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford declared his Argentine mistress his soul mate Tuesday but said he is committed to reconciling with his wife in hopes of saving his family and what is left of his political career.

 Sanford, who also admitted meeting his lover more times than he had previously claimed, told The Associated Press in emotional interviews that he “crossed lines” with a handful of other women during 20 years of marriage.

 But he said he never went as far as he did with Maria Belen Chapur, the woman at the center of the scandal that has derailed his once-promising political future. 

 Read more from the Huffington Post here.

Dear (soon to be ex-)Governor:

We don’t know each other, but I thought I’d offer you a few bits of advice since it sure looks like you could use some.

  1.  Shut up.
  2. No one cares that you think this is a “love affair” and not “cheating on your wife”.
  3. Exactly how many women did you “dance with” on “guys weekends” “blowing off steam” (is that what you call it in SC?) Are you telling us this to prevent one of them from coming forward and saying “Maria isn’t the only one”?  If so, it ain’t gonna work.  The media will welcome any detail from any dancing partner and you’ll be tempted by more live microphones to spill more of your guts.  (BTW:  I think you’re screwing up the chances of any other married guy ever getting clearance for a “guys weekend”.)
  4. Telling people about these other “line crossings” takes a lot of steam out of the “it’s a love affair” argument, too.
  5. What kind of a moron repeatedly begs his wife to be allowed to go to see the other woman?  Did you really think the answer would be, “Sure, honey.  Go ahead.”?  And once you asked and she answered no but you went anyway, how exactly do you think you’re going to avoid having all your stuff set ablaze on the front lawn of the Governor’s Mansion?
  6. She’s your “soul mate”?  Really?  You’ve got to be kidding me.  After between five and eight meetings over eight years and a couple emails?  That phrase must not mean what I think it means.
  7. Personally, I think self-immolation is best done in private.  No one other than the people you think are your buddies in the media (clue: they’re not your buddies) and your political enemies wants to watch this disaster.
  8. If you keep this up, if your wife doesn’t torch your stuff, your staff sure should.  I think we’ve reached the point where they’d get  “justifiable homicide”.
  9. Do you really think that your Oprah/Barbara Walter confessional moment is going to help in this reconciliation with your wife that you say you so desire?
  10. I hear that you use to go out to your farm and dig holes and fill them in, when you needed “solitude”.  If that’s true, then you should know that the first rule of being in a hole, is “stop digging”.
  11. Remind me again why you think gays shouldn’t be allowed the sanctity of matrimony.  Too promiscuious?  Was that it?
  12. Whomever is advising you on your media strategy (if you can even call it that) should be sued for malpractice and you should demand a refund.  I hope you’re spending your own money and not your wife’s family fortune, too.
  13. Exactly who do you think you are HELPING with all this bulls**t?  Your wife?  Your kids?  News flash:  It’s NOT helping them.

With every additional syllable you speak on this topic, you are proving yourself to be a bigger idiot than initially imagined—which is saying a lot.

All the best,



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